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I feel so broken today.
Where did my good mood go?
Again I have this feeling.. The feeling, that I'll never accomplish anything.
That everything just goes downhill from here.
I'm starting to feel dizzy, I have headaches everyday. Why?
I don't have that many problems, do I?
I'm looking at my phone. 5 messages received. Maybe I should read them.. But really I doubt any of them is really important. Just stuff about, what I'm doing. What others are doing. The usual. I can't really collect my thoughts around that right now. Sigh..
I'm so pathetic. Can't do anything right really.. I can't find a job. I had the opportunity once. But was too scared. So I said no. Mom and Keld are getting impatient. I have to find SOMETHING.. I can't just trash a job, because I don't want to have it. I just need something to do. Is that really true? I have to do something, even though I don't like doing it? .....
....
They're partly right. I need a job. I need money. You can't get through this world without. Everything I want to do, I can't do unless I have money. And I can't keep asking my parents for money. I'm already in debt.
Besides that I'm afraid for the exams at school. I feel a pressure on me in some sort. I didn't graduate last year, so I have to do it this year! But I don't have the feeling that I can. I don't understand mostly of the subject in my classes. I don't know the difference of one thing and another. I guess it's my own fault for being stupid.
My dad is pretty laid-back about it all. "Well if you don't pass, there's nothing to do about it. Let's just see and then take it from there" .. I'd like to live with my dad. Maybe for a year or so. I think it would be nice. Getting away from here. Be up there where it's only him and me. Father and daughter. Just us. Nobody else.
We've talked about it. I could get a job up there and live with him. But there hasn't been any jobs - he promised to look. So I guess I'm kinda stuck here. In the house, where they don't really see me. Hear me. Where I get cut off by everyone, because they have something more important to say than I have. They don't care about me. Well, they do! But not entirely. When I talk about my passions - drawing, cosplay, stuff like that. They just say "Fine" and when I state, that they don't care, they say "But sweety, we don't know, what it's all about!" .... I've explained to many times. If they wanted to know, they could listen, and then they WOULD know. But they don't care. I'm just the black sheep.
Well, I've tried to make them happy. Tried to be a positive and helping human being at home. Tried to be polite and eager about everything. But they don't appreciate it.
Well.. If it's a black sheep they want, a black sheep they get. I they can't love the one I am now, I'm giving them all the reasons to hate me.. Back to 8th grade. Black. Metal music. Cursing. Everything they hate. Then let's see if they don't start missing the one, I am now. Maybe then they will appreciate, what I am now.

Maybe...